


White Waters

by FPwoper



Series: White Waters [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: BDSM, Bondage, Bottom Dean, Charlie is Dean’s therapist, Dean Winchester Has a Panty Kink, Dean is not in a good mental space in this fic, Dean’s extremely low self-esteem, Dom!Cas, Double Penetration, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, M/M, Multi, Open Ending, Panic Attacks, Sub!Dean, Switch Jimmy Novak, Top Castiel, consensual painplay, erotic asphyxiation, hitting/paddling/caning/spanking (bdsm), sub drop & dom drop, switch!jimmy, therapy sessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:05:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FPwoper/pseuds/FPwoper
Summary: Cas and Jimmy were together, first, but when Dean joins them, the three of them discover that they are even stronger together. Their interests line up as well, and soon they are doing BDSM scenes on the regular. When Dean is tasked with designing their next scene, it doesn’t take long before he knows what he wants to do. However, it’s asking for that which is the hardest part. Will the twins get understand? And how will they react? (And, well, will Dean survive even asking?)





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sharkfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish/gifts).



> I've got so many people to thank for this.  
> [Sharkfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish)/[Reallyelegantsharkfish](https://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com) for egging me on. Without you I'd never have written this at all. Thanks for all the cheering and passive-aggressive comments in google docs.  
> [Supernatastic101](https://supernatastic101.tumblr.com) for the amazing art. You're the best. Honestly. I love your art, and I think that I'll keep falling in love with it every time I see it. You've captured exactly what I meant with these dumb words. <3 You can find her art embedded in the fic, and [here](http://supernatastic101.tumblr.com/post/123/dcjbb18artforwhitewaters) on tumblr  
> . Go leave some love.  
> [Captainhaterade](https://captainhaterade.tumblr.com), thank you so, so much for beta'ing once again. You're a life saver. Without you, this would be a mess. All remaining mistakes are my own (because I'm stubborn).  
> And last, but definitely not least, the amazing mods of the [DCJ Big Bang Challenge](https://dcjbigbang.tumblr.com). You're the best for organising this entire thing, and I love getting to write more DCJ. You've been so kind and understanding - you're the best.
> 
> If you have any questions or concerns regarding the tags (or if you find something you think should be tagged), please feel free to poke me on tumblr. You can find me [here](https://fpwoper.tumblr.com).  
> There's a playlist for this story, which can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/1188837279/playlist/0VyWMFYxTW6jBDFmUV45Cb?si=D8vOoHXWQS6e0Afk9G5DtA).  
> Also, please note that this will be part of an ongoing series. The story is complete, but there will be more. After I've finished my thesis.

#  White Waters

> __ Lie down in my arms  
>  Trust what you see  
>  Smooth your brow, you will be with me  
>  To find your relief 

[ Epica -  _White Waters_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/5eUX0QhFgp2tD1fQ3EZ2Tz?si=3j0pHSTjSCK661FaChab0g)

##  Chapter 1

Dean is working on one of the cars when inspiration strikes. He’s been told by the twins to think about a new scene he’d like to try, and it’s not often that he has to provide his own sexual fantasies. Castiel and Jimmy are great at reading him, and they know exactly how to pull him apart and put him together again.

Now, though, he’s at work and all of a sudden, he knows what he wants. He wants to text the twins to let them know, but he knows that Bobby will be mad if he goes for his phone right now. He only has an hour left to work on this car, and it’s been kicking his ass all week, so he’d better actually focus on it and get it done.

Dean takes a deep breath to center himself and forces all thoughts about the upcoming discussion of the scene from his mind. He needs to finish this. After that, he can go home and tell the twins what he wants to do.

***

When he finally gets home, the twins smile softly at him. Jimmy has already prepared dinner, and there’s a blank sheet of paper in front of them on the dinner table.

“Did you want to discuss the scene before dinner or after?” Jimmy asks while Castiel is setting the table. Dean swallows, his idea suddenly sounding a lot less appealing than it did before. He’s… not the best at communicating what he wants and needs, probably something his father caused when he was young. Even though the twins have been working on it, this is the first time they’ve ever asked Dean to come up with his own scene. Of course, the twins would talk it through and talk to him about possible problems, but this scene would be Dean’s.

“Dinner first, please,” Dean manages. He knows he’ll have a panic attack if the twins force him to talk about it right now, but the twins know him well enough to give him a choice.

“After dinner, then,” Castiel says. He takes Dean’s hands and softly squeezes it. “You know we won’t mind whatever you’ve come up with? You know our limits, and you know your own… so we’re guaranteed to have a scene we all like.”

Dean doesn’t quite agree with that, but he can’t say anything about it because the twins won’t take that very well. “Okay,” he whispers, and Castiel and Jimmy sit down on either side of him to start dinner.

Their table is way too large – it seats eight people – but they always sit close together. Dean privately thinks that the twins bought this big a table just to be able to fuck Dean on top of it. That’s the only reason he can come up with that actually makes sense. There’s no need for a table that large.

Somehow, it’s all Dean can think about. He doesn’t particularly care for the food – Jimmy’s a great cook but Dean is better, and there are way too many vegetables in their dinner – but he can imagine what the scene is going to look like if they do it on the table. Or in the kitchen. Damn. Now he’s doubting his initial ideas for the scene because he’s already so turned on he doesn’t care anymore about the location.

“Are you still with us, Dean?” Castiel asks quietly, and Dean smiles softly when he’s pulled out of his mind.

“Yeah,” he answers. “Just thinking.”

He doesn’t see the glance Castiel and Jimmy exchange at that, but he does know that the twins’ plates are already empty while his is still filled with vegetables.

“You do need to finish that plate before we discuss any kind of sex, Dean,” Jimmy says. He sounds like he’s joking, but he has his Dom voice on, so Dean simply nods and starts eating. “I also want you to finish your water,” Jimmy adds. “We won’t be doing a scene if you don’t drink enough water during the day.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says without thinking. It’s an automatic reaction by now, but Jimmy still turns bright red. It always happens when Dean says something like that outside of the bedroom, and honestly: it’s Dean’s favorite thing. Dean might be submissive through and through, but Jimmy has serious issues with imposter syndrome sometimes, thinking he doesn’t deserve to be a Dom. Before Dean entered their relationship, Castiel and Jimmy had been involved for most of their lives, and Jimmy had bottomed most of the time. So when Castiel was discovering that he liked being a Dom, Jimmy had naturally melded into the submissive role. The ease with which he seems to be able to switch between the two ‘settings’ keeps astounding Dean. While Dean can switch, too, he’s definitely more of a subby bottom than anything else. And sure, Jimmy being submissive is beautiful, and on occasion, Dean enjoys fucking Jimmy but Dean is absolutely sure that Jimmy is more of a switch.

“Just finish eating, Dean,” Jimmy mutters. He gets up with his and Castiel’s plates and moves about in the kitchen for a few minutes. Castiel is staring after him and Dean feels bad. He knows that isn’t a good place to start discussing a scene, but he can’t help himself. He hasn’t hurt Jimmy but Jimmy is embarrassed, and that’s not something Jimmy handles really well. And Dean’s done that. He… he doesn’t deserve to get his way.

Dean slowly refocuses on the plate in front of him, shoving his food around. He doesn’t have an appetite anymore. He doesn’t deserve it, anyway. He shouldn’t be with the twins, he’s just dragging them down. The fork – he was holding that, right? When did he let go of it? – clatters on the plate, and Castiel whips his gaze away from the kitchen door, and focuses on Dean. Castiel’s reassuring hands are on Dean’s shoulders in less than a second

“What’s wrong, Dean?” he asks, voice urgent. “Are you dropping?”

Dean can’t answer. The panic attack that has been looming the entire day is threatening to overtake him, and breathing is becoming difficult. He knows he’s losing it, and he knows that Castiel and Jimmy can help him through it, but he can’t inconvenience them any more than he’s already done. He can’t do that to them.

“Dean!” Castiel’s voice is slowly working through the fog surrounding his brain, and Jimmy’s is helping, too.

“Breathe with us, Dean,” Jimmy says. The Dom-voice is back, but this time it’s intentional, and Dean instinctively listens to it. He knows the twins want what’s best for him, and even though it causes them more trouble than he’s worth, he wants to listen to them. He can’t disappoint them any further than he’s already done. Together, they manage to get Dean to breathe normally again and they get him to the bed, too.

They cuddle up together, curling around Dean. Dean lies on his back and feels safe and protected, but in the back of his mind, there’s still the voices telling him that he’s really not worth all this hassle, and that he should just leave the twins as soon as possible. He’ll never be good enough for them.

“Dean, would you please calm down?” Jimmy is beginning to sound exasperated, but Castiel hushes him. They cuddle up closer to Dean instead and pull the sheets out over them.

“We won’t leave you, okay?” Castiel says, voice soothing in Dean’s ear. He traces slow patterns over Dean’s arm while Jimmy soothes his hands over Dean’s collarbones. They don’t want to put any sexual layers on this, not after Dean having a panic attack, but they know they need to keep on touching Dean to make sure he doesn’t lose himself again.

“Do you want us to make some hot chocolate?” Castiel asks softly. Dean swallows. He doesn’t want them to leave him, but he knows how Castiel and Jimmy get about aftercare, and he knows that what they are doing to him right now is aftercare.

“I don’t want you to leave,” is what he finally manages. His voice almost breaks on the sentence, but he manages to finish it. Jimmy kisses him on the cheek before getting up.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures Dean. “I’m only going to the kitchen to make you some hot chocolate. Maybe also get something to nibble on. Castiel will stay with you, is that okay?”

Dean nods, and Castiel pulls Dean into a hug to make sure he’s still feeling safe and sheltered. Dean doesn’t react to Jimmy leaving the room, so Castiel relaxes again. He didn’t expect Dean to freak out this badly when he and Jimmy asked for Dean to come up with their next D/s scene.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel can’t help but mutter into Dean’s hair. “I should have asked you if you were okay with setting up a scene all on your own.”

“Not your fault,” Dean mutters back. “Besides, that wasn’t why I freaked out.”

Castiel frowns. It must have had something to do with the scene since he reacted so badly to Jimmy. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe when Jimmy’s back.”

Castiel soothes his hand down Dean’s back. “We’ll check in when Jimmy’s back, okay? For now, I’m just staying here with you to take care of you if you need it.”

“Thank you.” Dean seems to calm down a little, and Castiel can’t help but think that it might have something to do with the fact that Jimmy wasn’t there for a second. He sincerely hopes that it isn’t the case, but… Dean did react very strongly to Jimmy using his Dom voice and turning red after Dean’s reaction.

Jimmy returns soon after, preventing Castiel from spiralling into dark thoughts of his own. Jimmy hands Castiel a mug of warm chocolate milk topped with whipped cream and marshmallows that Castiel immediately knows is for Dean, so Castiel motions for Dean to sit up. Dean slowly does so, wrapping one arm around himself while taking the mug in his free hand. Castiel kisses his cheek and grabs the cookies Jimmy brought, too, putting them in Dean’s lap. Then he reaches for Jimmy’s mug and his own, and Jimmy climbs back into the bed. 

They eat and drink in silence, and Dean is calm again by the time they’ve finished all of the chocolate chip cookies. Dean is yawning - no doubt tired from an entire day of hard work and then having a panic attack - so Castiel makes the executive decision to just go to sleep while mostly dressed and without brushing their teeth. They can miss a day, and now, they just need to sleep. Tomorrow they’ll talk; Jimmy can explain why he turned red and Dean can explain his reaction to Jimmy. They can talk about the scene Dean came up with, or at least have him talk about the elements he wants in their upcoming scene. They can talk about what triggered Dean. First, though… sleep. For all three of them.


	2. Chapter two

##  Chapter 2

 

When Dean wakes up the next morning, he’s still feeling slightly off. Both Castiel and Jimmy are still in bed with him, though, and that makes it all a little better. They look like they are both still asleep, and Dean smiles at the adorable sight the twins make. They look… happy again and that’s all he wants for them. Last night was too much for him and they stepped back, but it hurt them, too.

Dean lies there for a few more minutes before his bladder urges him to get up. Even then, he slowly makes his way out of the cuddle pile he’d formed with the twins in his sleep. Castiel twitches when he leaves, but doesn’t wake up. Jimmy goes to feel around but when he finds Castiel, he relaxes again. It’s… funny to see that, but it’s sad too, Dean supposes. Jimmy just goes for Castiel first and doesn’t even notice that Dean is gone.

Dean takes a deep breath and turns away to walk to the bathroom. After taking a piss, he decides to brush his teeth and take a shower. He can finally relax fully when he’s under the showerhead, enjoying the slightly-too-hot water. He doesn’t have to think, and so when he steps out of the shower again, he feels more refreshed than before.

With another deep breath, he goes into the kitchen to get started on breakfast. That will probably wake the twins up, especially if he starts the coffeemaker, too. Not only is that thing way too loud, but the smell of coffee seems to wake Cas and Jimmy up, as well. He sits down on one of the chairs while the eggs are cooking on the stove and thinks about what he needs to tell the twins, and how he’s going to  _ do  _ that if he had a panic attack yesterday just thinking about what he’d done to Jimmy.

The piece of blank paper is still on the table, and Dean decides that’s the best way to deal with it. He can write down what caused him to panic and then he won’t have to say it out loud. Dean grabs a pen and slides the paper closer. He doesn’t quite know how to start, but he just sets the tip of the pen to paper and starts writing.

_ I freaked out yesterday because I called Jimmy “sir” outside of a scene and it reminded me of how much I don’t fit in,  _ he writes down. He wants to trash the piece of paper, but trust and honesty are things Jimmy and Cas value most above all, so he doesn’t scribble it out again.  _ I’m sorry for that because it freaked out Jimmy which freaked me out and I don’t even know where I’m going with this. _

_ Secondly _ , Dean writes, and then pauses. He doesn’t quite know how to tell the twins that he still wants to scene but that his mental health issues are resurfacing again and that he might go too far just to please them. He decides to say, or write, exactly that.  _ Secondly, I’m not at my best right now - the panic attack probably already tipped you off - but I still want to do that scene I had to come up with. That might have also triggered me, though. I’m a sub for a reason, and coming up with scenes isn’t what I do best. _

Dean gets up to prevent the eggs from burning and puts the pan with bacon back on the fire just to heat them up again. The twins will be up soon, since the smell of coffee, bacon and eggs is drifting through the air. Dean starts plating up and considers making it into a breakfast-in-bed kind of thing but the twins are already entering the kitchen.

They are stretching innocently but Dean can tell that they have been up for a while and were just waiting for breakfast to be done to come into the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Dean says softly. The twins respond by hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

“Thanks for breakfast, honey,” Jimmy says before sitting down at the table and grabbing a plate. He doesn’t wait before digging in, apparently starving.

Castiel nuzzles Dean for a bit longer before sitting down and patting the chair next to him for Dean to sit on, so that Dean is once again sitting in between the twins. The sheet of paper is on the other side of the table, and Dean is already getting nervous about it.

“You were writing before we came in, weren’t you?” Castiel asks.

Dean nods. “I don’t think I can tell you what happened, but I wrote it down so you can read it when I’m at work. We can talk about it tonight.”

“Good idea,” Jimmy manages in between huge mouthfuls of food. He points at his almost-empty plate. “It’s amazing, by the way.”

“Thanks, Jimmy,” Dean says. Weirdly enough, that’s the encouragement he needs to start eating himself. They eat in silence for a few minutes until Jimmy announces that he has to leave before he’s too late for work, and that’s when Castiel checks the clock.

“I have a few more minutes, but you’ll need to get going soon, too, Dean,” he says. “If you feel like you’re going to have another panic attack, please let Bobby call us if you can’t yourself, okay?”

Dean nods. He doesn’t mention that this is a standing agreement with Bobby - something happens to him, the twins get called - because that would only unsettle Castiel.

“Good,” Castiel says while Jimmy rushes out of the door. “We’ll be checking in throughout the day, anyway. Both Jimmy and I are off at one today, so whenever you’re ready to come home, we’ll be waiting for you.”

“Thank you,” Dean says. Castiel leaves, too, and then Dean is left with the dishes. He has just enough time left to put them away, and then he’s leaving the house, too.

 

Bobby knows about Dean’s attacks, has witnessed a few, too, so when Dean checks in that morning with him, he immediately knows that Dean’s had another one and that he’s still not fully okay.

“I’ll keep an eye on you,” Bobby says, and Dean feels more reassured immediately. Bobby knows how to spot his attacks, and he’ll know how to work him through it.

Bobby doesn’t stay to watch Dean work, but they do coordinate their breaks so that he isn’t alone. Bobby is quiet as usual, not at all digging into what prompted the notification today. Dean is glad for that, but he does want to talk to someone about Castiel and Jimmy, and Bobby is one of the select few who know about Dean and his relationship with the twins.

“It’s the twins,” Dean says all of a sudden. He’s already working again when he finally breaks, and he rolls out from under the car. He sits up and leans against the fender when Bobby comes out of his office. “I mean… it’s not their fault, not really, but I just… I don’t feel like I’m worth it, all the attention they give me.”

Bobby remains quiet, but leans against the door attentively, and Bobby’s brand of quiet support is exactly what Dean needs right now.

“And every now and then they’ll ask me something, and I’ll get excited about it…”

“This about sex, boy?” Bobby grumbles. “I don’t need to know about that.”

Dean feels his ears burning but he tries to ignore it. “I’m not describing it to you.”

“Still.”

“Just let me talk, old man,” Dean growls. Or well, he doesn’t growl at his surrogate father. He almost growls. “I’m finally opening up about this.”

Bobby holds his hands up in surrender and just leans back again.

“So, I’ll get excited about it, and then something happens, like something small, and one of the twins is… not okay, or they get hurt, or they....” Dean takes a deep breath. “They just… rely on each other. They’ve been together since they were born, and I feel like I’m… like I’m not supposed to  _ be _ there. Like the only thing I can do is ruin it for them, ruin  _ them  _ for other people. I don’t deserve them, Bobby.”  Dean looks up, and it’s only then that he notices that he’s crying. Bobby is already striding over to him and sinking down next to him to hug him.

“Let it out, Dean,” Bobby says kindly. “You must have needed it.”

“I…” Dean starts but he doesn’t know where he’s going, so he just turns into Bobby’s hug and lets go of the tears that have been waiting for a while to be let out. Bobby runs a hand down his back, and it’s comforting as usual.

It takes a few minutes before he calms down enough to talk again. “I’m just scared that they’ll leave me,” he whispers.

“Those boys would never leave you, Dean,” Bobby is quick to answer. Dean knows that he won’t believe it if Castiel and Jimmy tell him this, but now that Bobby says it… it holds more weight, somehow. If even Bobby can see how much the twins love him, then it must be true, right? “Should I call them for you? Tell them you want to go home?”

“But the car-” Dean starts to protest, but Bobby cuts him off.

“Do you want to go home?”

Dean shrugs. He’s not comfortable with leaving before all of his tasks have been completed. He feels as if that’s letting Bobby down, and it doesn’t matter how often Bobby says that he can handle it, Dean cannot get over that idea.

“Okay, you  _ are  _ going home.” Bobby stands up again and grabs Dean’s phone from the office before returning. “Call them, tell them you’re going to get in your car in about ten minutes because I gave you the afternoon off. I know they’re already home, Dean, so don’t try to get out of it.”

Dean simply nods and takes his phone from Bobby’s hand before dialling Jimmy’s number. Jimmy picks up in seconds, and Dean is secretly glad that Bobby is forcing him to go home, because he needs this more than he realized.

“Dean?”

“Hey Jimmy,” Dean says, soothed by his boyfriend’s voice. “I’m coming home early today.”

“Did Bobby force you?”

Dean looks at Bobby, who’s still watching him like a hawk, and smiles. “Yeah. But I want to, too. Is that okay?”

“Sure, Dean. Twenty minutes?”

“Yeah. Is Cas home already?”

“He is, just got in actually. I’ll tell him, you get behind the wheel and drive home safely, okay?”

“Of course, Jimmy,” Dean says. “See you soon.”

“See you soon, Dean.”

With that, Dean disconnects the call and grins at Bobby. “I’m going home. They’re expecting me in about twenty minutes.”

“Good,” Bobby says. “You can always call me if you’re feeling low again, Dean. You do know that, right?”

“I know, Bobby.” Dean smiles at him gratefully. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Bobby blushes and tries to hide behind his beard. “Well, get going now, idjit, before the twins come for my head because you’re late.”

Dean laughs and waves. “See you after the weekend!”

Bobby grumbles but Dean doesn’t hear him anymore. He’s in the Impala and closes the doors. He wants to get home to his boyfriends, and then they’ll talk. Maybe everything will turn out fine.


	3. Chapter three

##  Chapter 3

When Dean gets home, he’s ready to talk to the twins about what happened. Bobby did great in calming him down, and it shows in how he confidently walks into their living room.

His confidence is immediately bashed when he sees the twins sitting at the kitchen table, staring at each other with tears in their eyes. He swallows heavily and slowly walks towards them. They don’t seem to notice him until he’s standing next to him, at which point Jimmy flails and almost falls off his chair.

“What did I do wrong?” Dean asks, voice quiet. His hopes are dashed once more, and he can barely manage to keep a straight face. He wants to cry again, and he’s pretty sure that his eyes are still red-rimmed from his latest crying bout. He’s also feeling very pathetic at the moment.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jimmy says, recovering from his shock and getting up from the chair he almost fell out of to place a kiss on Dean’s cheek. “We just read your… confession.”

“We didn’t know it was this bad,” Castiel whispers. He stands up, too, and wraps Dean in a hug. “Why didn’t you tell us, Dean?”

Dean shakes his head and snuggles closer to Cas, holding out a hand to Jimmy to get him there, as well. Jimmy quickly complies, and when Dean relaxes, he manages to say: “Which of the two?”

“Both?” Jimmy says. “You know you can always talk to us and we’ll try to help you.”

“I know,” Dean says. “But I can’t help it sometimes. I just… I don’t deal well with this.”

“I thought you knew you  _ do  _ deserve this,” Castiel says. He seems to be the most hurt of the two, but Dean can’t pinpoint why that is. Why would they even care about him to the point of crying? He’s simply not worth it. How can they not see that?

“Dean?” Jimmy’s hands come up to wipe under Dean’s eyes, and well – there he is again. Dean Winchester, colossal fuck-up who can’t even  _ stop crying _ . It only makes him cry more, and that’s when Castiel and Jimmy have had enough, apparently. They make a joint effort of lifting him up, but they don’t walk towards the door as he expected. Instead, they deposit him on the bed and make themselves comfortable next to him.

“I think that maybe we need to go to a therapist, if you’re open to that,” Castiel murmurs, and Dean can only nod. He’s thought about that often before, but somehow it never happened. Probably because he doesn’t dare burden someone else with his problems, just like he doesn’t with Cas and Jimmy. Especially someone he doesn’t know at all. It seems very… uncomfortable. “I don’t mean a relationship therapist, so much, but someone who can help you understand why you feel the way you feel. And I say  _ we _ because Jimmy and I want to support you. We want to learn to do better, too.”

“You said you still wanted to scene, though,” Jimmy says, and Dean nods again. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Dean says. “I was just warning you that you might have to take it easy and check in a little more often than normal.”

“Would you be willing to discuss what you want right now?” Castiel sounds like Dean’s a scared animal – and well, isn’t that the kicker? He is  _ behaving  _ like a scared animal.

“I wanted you to hit me and choke me until I come,” Dean says while burying his head in the pillows. He can’t look at the twins while he says it. “Untouched, I mean. Except for that I maybe want both of your cocks in me at the same time. I want you both to fuck me while you get me off and hit me in the face and on my ass.”

“Fuck,” Castiel mumbles, and he moans quietly. “Great ideas in that brain of yours.”

“You want us both in you at the same time?” Jimmy sounds incredulous… and turned on. “Fuck Dean, if someone doesn’t deserve the other, it’s us, okay? We don’t deserve you. You’re amazing, you want to do so much for us… You’re so  _ willing _ .”

Dean swallows and feels his face turn bright red. “Are you okay with the other… things?”

“Definitely,” Castiel says. “You know what we like and dislike, so we already knew that it was going to be great.”

“You didn’t know that.”

“We did,” Jimmy insists. “You are incredibly creative, and that’s something we wanted to see in a scene. You have so many good ideas and you often give _ us  _ great ideas for scenes because of your outspoken opinion on how things should go.”

Dean flushes even darker, and as much as he wants to keep hiding his face in the pillows, he does need to breathe, so he finally faces the twins again. Castiel’s eyes are wide and lust-blown, and Jimmy’s aren’t much different. Jimmy’s lips are spit-slicked, as if he kept licking them while Dean told them about what he wanted.

“And this is one of the best ideas you’ve ever had,” Castiel adds. “I’ve wanted to choke you for a while - since we figured out you enjoy us dominating you by pushing you into the pillow, or cutting off your air supply. Never thought you’d bring it up yourself, but I was afraid that you wouldn’t like the  _ idea  _ of it.”

“I love spanking you, Dean, and hitting you in the face is definitely something we can add to that.” Jimmy sounds dreamy, as if he’s already imagining it.

“No bruises, though,” Dean says quickly, and Jimmy nods.

“Of course, honey. I would never do something you don’t want.”

“Are you up for discussing the limits of the scene – such as bruises?” Castiel asks, and he sits up slightly. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Yeah,” Dean says. He’s already blushing and it can’t get that much worse, so he’d rather get it over with.

“I’m going to grab a piece of paper to outline this, so we can talk about it later if there’s something we need to change, okay?”

When Dean nods, Castiel gets up quickly. Jimmy immediately kisses Dean.

“Do you have any clue how hot you are when you try to hide your kinks?”

“Well, if you kissing me is any indication… very,” Dean says, and he moves back in to kiss Jimmy dirtily. “And it turns  _ me  _ on.”

“Guys,” Castiel says, sounding resigned. He’s leaning on the door jamb with his arms folded. “I thought you’d been able to keep it PG for a few minutes.”

“Sorry, Cas,” Jimmy says, no apology in his voice whatsoever. “Couldn’t resist kissing his beautiful lips.”

“I get that feeling, but we discussed this. We’re going to wait until we discuss the scene, and  _ then  _ we’d go and shower Dean in affection.”

“You already talked about this?” Dean asks. He doesn’t know whether to be affronted or amused that they set rules for this. “Why wasn’t I informed?”

“You had just left Bobby’s place when we found that sheet of paper, and then we discussed what to do. We didn’t know what state you’d be in when you returned, so we just decided to… discuss everything first and then cuddle and make out with you.”

“Doesn’t seem like the easiest way to go through. Usually we cuddle and make out to get me relaxed, and then we talk,” Dean comments.

“I know,” Castiel says. “But the last time you had a panic attack you didn’t want to be touched, so we decided to go the safe route and… not touch you until you were okay with it.”

“Do you take constructive criticism?” Dean asks carefully, and when both Cas and Jimmy nod, he takes a deep breath and says, “I’d prefer if you’d ask me first instead of doing this. I do know my limits, and I do know if I want to be touched or not after a panic attack, and I like you cuddling me. In fact, I would like it if you didn’t… do this behind my back.”

Dean bites his lip. He’s relatively sure that Castiel and Jimmy will take it the right way, but he doesn’t want to accidentally insult them by giving them a piece of his mind. He’s still feeling rather fragile and doesn’t think he can take that.

“Sorry, Dean,” Castiel says. He sounds genuinely sorry. “We shouldn’t have done that. Next time we will definitely ask you first. We always say that communication is key, and then we don’t do that ourselves. That’s the worst thing we could have done.”

Jimmy nods. “We really should just have texted you to ask what you wanted.”

“Thank you,” Dean mumbles.

“Are you still… okay?” Castiel asks, and Dean nods.

“Let’s discuss the scene, then.”


	4. Chapter four

## Chapter 4

 

“Are you sure you’re ready, Dean?” Castiel asks. Again.

“Yes, Cas,” Dean says, rolling his eyes. “And I’m sure about that. You don’t have to ask me again.”

“In that case…” Castiel’s eyes flash and Dean knows that Castiel will now be acting as his Dominant. “You should probably get undressed and stop being so disrespectful.”

Dean nods silently, knowing that he’s not allowed to talk anymore. Jimmy walks in and sits down on the bed next to Dean.

“Hi, honey,” Jimmy says. “I know Cas has checked in with you already, so you are ready to go. I’m going to undress you, save for the panties we agreed on. Castiel is going to prepare some chocolate for afterwards, and when he gets back, we’re going to start in earnest. Is that okay, Dean? You may answer.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says. He was already in position in the middle of the bed, but he shuffles a little further down on the bed to make it easier for Jimmy to undress him. Castiel kisses him on the forehead before he gets up from the bed.

“I only have one more question,” Jimmy says as soon as Castiel has left the bedroom. “What do you want to be hit with? Just our hands? The cane? The paddle? The flogger?”

Dean flushes bright, and bites his lip. He knows that he’s allowed to speak his mind, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t… hard to do so.

“You may pick whichever you want, sir,” Dean finally says. He doesn’t have the willpower to make decisions right now - he’s already well underway to subspace even without actually playing yet - and he doesn’t _know_ which he’d prefer. He wants all of them, but at the same time feels like he doesn’t _deserve_ any of it.

“I know that,” Jimmy says. “I merely asked if you had a preference.”

“Your hands, sir,” Dean answers, immediately. If he’s allowed to pick, he’d prefer the twins to be touching him, and there’s only one way to be hit that involves direct touch. He doesn’t quite want to tell either Jimmy or Cas that he’s using them hitting him as a way to punish himself - he doesn’t have to tell them, they’ll know as soon as they start - but he still wants to be touched as much as possible, even if it hurts.

“Okay, thank you for answering, Dean,” Jimmy says. “I’ll undress you now, and then you’re going to get up on all fours in the middle of the bed. Before we’re doing anything else, you’ll be inspected, and then we’ll spank you. Afterwards, we’ll proceed as you outlined. That’s still okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says. He wants to roll his eyes at the frequency the twins are checking in on him, but he knows better than to be a brat right now.

“Good,” Jimmy says, and then he’s quiet as he moves forward to undo Dean’s soft, flannel pants and remove his simple t-shirt. Jimmy remains fully clothed, but Dean doesn’t care as long as Jimmy’s hands keep in contact with his body, softly stroking over the parts of skin that are now exposed to him. Jimmy does take his time to get to Dean’s panties, but when he does, he only slowly works one finger under the waistband to make sure that Dean’s dick is still fully covered by the lace material.

“I like them,” Jimmy says. The panties are a little more fancy than Dean normally wears - picked specifically for this occasion, actually - and they are a simple black lace. Nothing fancy in itself, but the lace is high quality and the fit is better than most. When Dean bought them, he had a rare moment of thinking himself worthy of them. Now, he kind of wishes that the twins would rip them off him somewhere during the scene. He doesn’t deserve the panties anymore. Dean takes a deep breath to center himself again. He doesn’t want to be swallowed up by the dark thoughts right now.

Jimmy helps him to the center of the bed again and positions him on all fours, as instructed. Dean just does whatever Jimmy wants him to do.

“What’s your color, Dean?” Castiel asks. _Oh_ , Dean thinks, _Castiel’s already returned_. He didn’t even notice, he was so caught up in his thoughts.

“Green, sir,” Dean says. He feels green. He’s sure of it.

Castiel and Jimmy sit on either side of him, and Dean thinks that maybe he should have asked to be blindfolded to make the scene more intense. Then he thinks that Castiel and Jimmy probably wouldn’t have agreed to that.

The first slap to his ass comes as a surprise, and Dean keens and jolts forward until one of the twins catches him in their arms. The second one is less of a surprise, but still. The scene has now fully started and Dean knows what to expect. The twins won’t hit him hard by hand, but he doesn’t need that. He just needs _them_.

Castiel is in front of him while Jimmy is slowly turning his ass cherry red. The intensity of the hits varies, and Dean loves it. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it, and that makes it much harder to anticipate. It’s perfect.

Or well, no. It’s not completely perfect until Castiel also hits him in the face. It’s not a hard slap at all, since bruising Dean’s face is the last thing they want to do, but yes - that’s the thing that makes it perfect for Dean. The dual input of pain on two sides of him is what Dean needed, and now he knows for sure that it is what he wants. While the twins are always careful with him, he needs them to let go of those inhibitions once in a while and just _really hurt him_.

Dean closes his eyes and revels in the pain. He knows he’s slowly floating off into subspace and instead of fighting it like he used to, he simply allows himself to relax into it. The twins have a sixth sense for when Dean’s off to floaty land and won’t bother him there unless there’s an emergency. Both Castiel and Jimmy know where the scene’s supposed to go, and Dean trusts them to take it there.

Dean does notice when the slaps on his ass stop and are instead replaced by hands soothing softly over his abused flesh, but he doesn’t think anything of it. It’s only when a slick finger starts working over his hole that he understands that Jimmy thought it was time to move on. That means that either Jimmy’s hands hurt, or his ass is a lot more painful than he thinks it is right now (but it’s probably the latter, Dean thinks. Jimmy’s hands are great at hitting him for long periods of time).

The finger doesn’t tease around for very long and is slowly worked into Dean’s tight hole. They haven’t done a whole lot lately, and that means that Dean actually needs to be stretched. However much he would have loved for it to hurt, the twins won’t agree with that, so Dean allows them to stretch him carefully.

“What’s your color, Dean?” Castiel asks. Dean only notices because Castiel is hovering right in front of him. He might have missed a check-in if it weren’t for that.

“Green, sir,” Dean whispers. Castiel nods and hits him again, harder this time.

“Good. Jimmy is going to fuck you, and when he thinks you’re ready, he’ll be stretching you further.” Castiel’s voice is soothing and Dean is surprised that he actually still understands what Castiel’s talking about at this point. Jimmy is working three fingers into him at this point and nails his prostate every three jabs, so he’s not only floating away in subspace but also consumed by pleasure. It’s exactly what he wanted from this scene.

Castiel hits him again when Jimmy slides into him and the force of the blow moves Dean further onto Jimmy. Dean can’t help but moan when Jimmy’s cock brushes against his prostate again. Castiel kisses him softly in between slaps, and Dean feels pampered with Jimmy draped all over him. The twins are touching him, fucking him, _making him happy again_ , and he feels _loved_. Damn, does he feel loved. It’s good.

Jimmy’s fingers are once again playing around near his ass, and while Dean misses the heat of Jimmy’s body along his back, he’s excited for this next bit. The twins have never double penetrated him. Usually, they’d spitroast him, maybe have one of them simply order the other around, but they never… and they are apparently very willing to try it out. Dean loses track of his thoughts when Jimmy works in one finger next to his cock. He hears Jimmy moan loudly, and Castiel whimpers at the noise, but that’s about it. The floaty feeling is completely back again.

Jimmy is being careful, but it still hurts when he stretches Dean out further. Dean was anticipating that it’d hurt, but at this point he’s doubting whether Cas is even going to be able to fit in with Jimmy. They aren’t exactly… small. Dean takes a steadying breath in between Castiel hitting him and kissing him to relax further into twins’ touches. He doesn’t try to conceal the noises he makes, moaning when Jimmy hits his prostate and whining when Castiel hits him. He loves the feeling of the twins working him over.

When Jimmy slides in a fourth finger, Dean registers the burning feeling in his ass, and he whimpers at it. Jimmy slides his fingers out and reapplies lube. It only helps a little bit - at this point it’s probably the girth rather than the amount of lube in Dean’s hole - but Dean loves the fact that Jimmy understood that without being prompted.

“What’s your color?” It’s once again Castiel who asks, holding Dean’s chin to keep him steady and make sure that they are making eye contact. Apparently it’s a very important check-in moment, and Dean is sure that Cas only sees Dean’s glazed-over eyes.

“Green, sir.” Dean whimpers as Jimmy withdraws his fingers. He can feel how open his hole is and wonders what it looks like to Jimmy, who can actually see it.

“Good,” Castiel says, authority back in his voice. “I’m going to stop hitting you, before we leave some permanent marks on your face. Are you okay in this position, or would you rather turn around to face Jimmy? You may answer me.”

“Keep like this,” Dean says. “Sir.”

“Thank you, Dean. We will have to move you a little, is that okay?” Jimmy, who has been silent so far, finally asks.

“Yes, sir.”

Jimmy makes a content noise and slides out of Dean. Dean whines at the loss of Jimmy’s dick but doesn’t say anything - Castiel is lying down on the bed now, too, and Dean can’t wait until he can slide down on Castiel’s cock, which so far has been neglected. Jimmy’s hand is working on slicking up Castiel, reminding Dean of why he fell for the twins in the first place: he loves the two of them together. Castiel arches into Jimmy’s hand and whimpers when Jimmy lets go again, but then he reaches for Dean’s hips to slowly guide him downward over his cock. It’s clear to Dean that he’s supposed to get Castiel in him first, before Jimmy’s going to work his dick in again.

Dean’s hole is stretched well enough that Castiel slides in without any trouble, and Dean lets gravity do most of the work before he settles on Castiel’s hips. He takes a few seconds to get used to Castiel’s girth and then he leans over. Dean doesn’t know when Cas got undressed, but he did at some point because when Dean leans over to lay down on Castiel’s chest he feels Castiel’s slightly cooled, bare skin beneath him. He shivers but clings to Castiel regardless, making sure that Jimmy can still reach his ass. Castiel wraps his arms around him while Jimmy kneels on the bed, hovering just slightly over Dean and Cas to check in on the both of them.

Castiel looks blissed out, just by having Dean sit on his cock, and Jimmy apparently takes that as his sign to get on with it. Dean can’t quite see what he’s doing, but he hears the bottle of lube open again, so he assumes that Jimmy’s slicking himself up. Instead, there’s three fingers poking at his hole again. Dean moans in appreciation, but he really wants the twins to get to it and fuck him senseless. He’s not allowed to talk, though, and he doesn’t quite know how to communicate to Jimmy that he is ready, that he _needs_ the other twin inside of him, too.

Thankfully, Jimmy picks it up quickly enough, and the three fingers disappear again. Dean tightens involuntarily in anticipation and Castiel moans, alerting his brother to Dean’s tightness. Jimmy smoothes a hand over Dean’s lower back, and gradually Dean relaxes into Castiel’s embrace again. The twins love him, they appreciate him… Dean allows himself a small smile. Everything will be okay.

Another deep breath later, Jimmy’s cock starts breaching him, and Dean can’t help but let out tiny, pathetic noises. It’s… more than the four fingers Jimmy worked into him, different than it. It feels bigger. It feels _impossible_. Still, Dean remains quiet. He doesn’t have permission to speak and while he might be allowed to make noises, he doesn’t abuse that power. Castiel moans when he feels another cock next to him, so even if they don’t get very far, the twins will enjoy it.

But Jimmy pushes further, albeit slowly, and he adds more lube, too. Eventually, he fully bottoms out and, sighing heavily, drapes himself over Dean’s back again. Dean is now cocooned in the twins’ embrace, and it is where he always wants to be. His ass hurts from Jimmy’s hits, and the pain is starting to cut through the happy fog surrounding his mind, but still - the sting of Jimmy’s slaps is nothing compared to the stretch of his hole trying to accommodate two cocks at once. He knows it’s not made for that, but somehow, the pain works wonderfully for Dean. He’s still rock hard.

“Tight,” Jimmy manages through clenched teeth.

“Fuck him, Jimmy,” Castiel moans. Dean can see how overwhelming it is to Cas to be fucking Dean alongside Jimmy - Castiel is fighting to keep his eyes open and focused on Dean.

Jimmy pulls out slightly, only to thrust in again soon after, and he sets an unsteady and slow rhythm, as if they can’t go any faster without coming too soon. Dean moves forward slightly, adjusting the position to make sure his knees won’t kill him tomorrow. The small move is enough for Jimmy to be able to fuck in deeper, and he takes advantage of that. Because of this shift in position, Castiel’s cock is pressed into Dean’s prostate. It’s almost enough to make him come, and Dean keens at the pressure. It’s almost too much. Two cocks in him is great in theory and in practice it’s… almost great.

“What’s your color, Dean?” Jimmy asks. He’s panting and it’s clear that it’s hard for him to speak up.

“Green, sir,” Dean answers immediately. He thinks that he’s actually yellow, but doesn’t want the twins to stop. He wants them to choke him until he comes, and then he wants the both of them to come inside of him. He wants their come to leak out of his hole.

“Are you close, Dean?” Castiel asks. He sounds close to his climax himself, and it hits Dean that this is probably going to be over within two minutes. He simply nods and Castiel accepts that rather than asking him to speak up. “We’re going to restrict your air flow soon, and when we do, you are allowed to come. You don’t have to ask us for permission.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean says. “Thank you, sir.” He knows the rules of being choked by the twins. He knows Castiel will be the one to put his hands on his throat, because he’s the one who is currently facing Dean and can actually see when Dean needs to breathe again. If Jimmy’s facing him, Jimmy’s the one to do it. Dean has noticed, however, that Castiel is more enthusiastic about the whole breathplay thing than Jimmy is, and Dean is not going to comment on that.

Castiel puts his hand on Dean’s throat, closing his eyes for a second to steady himself, and then he looks Dean in the eyes and starts applying pressure. Dean, already on the brink of coming because of the two cocks stretching him and the marks on his face and ass which are starting to smart now that he’s fully in the real world again, doesn’t even have to take a deep breath before being unable to breathe. He knows he’ll be done within seconds. When Jimmy starts sucking bruises into the meat of his shoulders, Dean comes hard, tears in his eyes, whimpering and trying to catch his breath as soon as Castiel lets go. Jimmy only has to thrust in once before coming, and Castiel follows soon after.

Dean collapses as a boneless mess on top of Castiel, and when Jimmy slowly withdraws, Dean notices that yes, it really hurts (‘It’ being most of his body). Jimmy comes up with a towel to clean Dean up and Cas and Jimmy work together to help Dean get off Castiel’s softening dick. The twins cuddle him close and clean him up with the soft towel before forcing him to eat and drink something.

Dean is quiet and content in the aftermath, and the twins just settle around him. They all know that the shower can wait until after they’ve rested and that the evaluation can wait too, so Cas and Jimmy form a cocoon for Dean to feel safe in. They keep touching him - Castiel runs his fingers over Dean’s arms and chest and Jimmy cards his fingers through Dean’s hair - to make sure that Dean doesn’t drop.

Despite being anxious over everything in the scene, Dean feels that everything has gone over well, and that this was a successful scene. The twins are wiped out, and that must mean that they agree. Dean is tired and he knows he isn’t up for any discussion so he simply accepts the twins’ touches and thinks that everything else can wait until the morning.


	5. Chapter five

##  Chapter 5

_ The pain is here _ .

It’s the first thought Dean has when he wakes up the next morning.  _ Everything  _ hurts. His ass, his back, his face… he might even have pulled a few muscles last night. Dean thinks he should be glad that he woke up on his side rather than on his stomach or back. Either would have hurt too much.

While the pain is the first thing Dean registers, the gradual realization that the twins are not in the bed with him is the second, and that hurts even more than his ass or face ever could. Once again, apparently he’s not worth their time. Dean presses his painful face in the pillow and tries to keep the tears in. It’s not the physical pain, this time, but he feels like his emotions are getting the better of him. Usually he’d call in the twins at this point, but… they aren’t here, are they? That’s clear enough for Dean. They don’t want him, and they certainly don’t want him after a scene. It’s all they are using him for.

And well… Dean agrees with the twins. He’s not worth their time - he’s just… the lowest of low. The filth no one wants to mingle with. The kind of person you’re only around out of pity.

Dean is distantly aware of the fact that he’s dropping but he chooses to ignore it. If the twins think he doesn’t need them, then he’ll prove them right. He doesn’t  _ want  _ them to see him like this - already exhausted because he’s not just physically hurt but also emotionally. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this bad before, not after a scene. He’s also never been this tired after resting after a scene.

He allows the tears to flow over his cheeks and be absorbed in the pillowcase. The nice, floaty feeling is gone, and Dean wants it back. If that’s all the twins ever give him again, he’ll be happy. His subconscious tells him that  _ No, you can’t only want that from the twins, you want them more, you  _ love  _ them, you couldn’t deal with them just fucking you without feelings, just to get you into subspace again _ . He tells his subconscious to shut the fuck up and leave him alone in his misery.

 

***

 

When Dean wakes up again, the twins are once again in place around him. They don’t look like they actually went anywhere, but Dean still remembers the feeling of… hurt when he woke up without them. Maybe they thought he wouldn’t notice if they snuck off for a second to take a break from Dean.

Dean bites his lower lip, which is still sore from the abuse from before, and takes a deep breath to try and center himself. It is, however, the thing that gives him away as being awake to the twins.

“Good morning, Dean,” Castiel says. “How are you feeling?”

Dean shoves his face in the pillow again and doesn’t answer. He’s not worth being checked in on. He doesn’t need to give them an answer, because if he tells them that  _ No, he’s not okay _ , they’ll drop everything and care for his worthless ass again. He doesn’t want them to do that.

“Dean?” Jimmy asks. He sounds strange, and Dean can’t put his finger on what’s wrong, exactly. He just  _ knows  _ that something’s wrong. “Can you answer us, please?”

Dean curls up and makes himself as tiny as possible with the twins still hovering over him. He doesn’t want to face them. He knows it hurts the twins when he doesn’t communicate, but this is a catch-22: he’ll hurt the twins when he doesn’t say anything, and he’ll hurt the twins when he says that he’s  _ not at all okay _ . Which is exactly how he’s feeling right now. He just tries to ignore the twins for now even though he knows this is not the best course of action, at all.

Dean feels a hand landing on his shoulder, slowly making its way from there to his hand, and that’s when a sob comes out. He doesn’t know which of the twins is touching him, but he doesn’t care. As soon as the twins catch his involuntary noise, they are on him like hawks. Friendly hawks, but still. The single hand is replaced by multiples as they try to touch him gently and try to get him sitting up again. They must have forgotten about his sore ass.

“Dean, what’s wrong, darling?” Jimmy asks. The strangeness Dean couldn’t place is once again present, and now that Dean thinks about it a little more, it might be worry. “You know that you can tell us everything, right?”

Dean simply nods and hides in the pillow again. He wants to be left alone, to wallow in peace. He doesn’t quite feel up to talking to the twins about what happened. Nodding might have given the twins the wrong impression, though, and they sit up straighter. Dean sees Cas open his mouth from the corner of his eye, and he shakes his head.  _ Nope, not ready _ .

“We can’t help him to sit up, Cas,” Jimmy says. “I think I spanked him too hard yesterday, it must hurt like hell.”

Castiel nods and tosses Jimmy a bottle of something. Dean doesn’t quite know what to hope for - on the one hand, he’s hoping for lube, that they’ll use him one more time before finally abandoning him, on the other hand… it might be some salve to ease his stinging ass so he can sit up and be cuddled by the twins. He thinks that second option is highly unlikely, though.

“Can you take care of that, please, Jimmy?” Castiel’s voice sounds somewhere to his right, as if he’s leaving again. “I’ll go make something to eat for Dean. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

He presses a soft kiss to Dean’s head and then there’s the swishing sound of socked feet on their hardwood floors. The hardwood floors Dean laid by hand, all by himself. Dean realises that if the twins break up with him, he’ll lose his home. Dean exhales slowly and tries to take a controlled breath back in, but Jimmy surprises him by tenderly stroking his sides until Dean relaxes on his own. He uncurls slightly but still keeps his face away from Jimmy, unable to face him just yet.

“Can you relax a little more for me, Dean, darling?” Jimmy asks softly. The worry now feels like a permanent undertone, and while Dean would normally be a brat just because he can, now he listens. “Can you get comfortable on your stomach?” Jimmy’s next question has Dean tensing up again, but a few slow strokes of Jimmy’s soft hands combined with Jimmy speaking to him to soothe him, and settles Dean again. “I just want to make sure that we actually treat your behind and thighs, Dean. I don’t want to hurt you at all. I want to help you.”

Dean slowly unfolds further, enabling Jimmy to apply whatever gel he’s currently holding. He wants to say something, but the words don’t come, so he’s just quiet as Jimmy uncaps the bottle and applies some of the stuff to his hands, warming it up slowly.

“You did great yesterday, you know?” Jimmy says. He’s got his concerned mom-voice on again, and Dean almost snorts at it. Jimmy’s hands are careful on Dean’s lower back, and he seems to wait for permission before continuing further down. Dean’s silence is his permission, and he hisses when Jimmy’s warm fingers first make contact with his painful ass. “We weren’t sure if we could do the entire scene, since it was very intense. Castiel was worried about you overtaxing yourself, but I thought you could make it. And look,” Jimmy makes slow circles with his hands to cover Dean’s ass, “you did great. You are so amazing, and Cas and I love you so much. You’re willing to do so much… Sometimes we’re not sure what we did to deserve someone like you.”

Dean takes a deep, shuddering breath and thinks,  _ You deserve so much better than me _ . He doesn’t say it, though, but Jimmy seems to sense his dark thoughts regardless.

“Dean, you are beautiful,” he says. “You’re kind - look at Sam, he’d never have made it to Stanford if it weren’t for you supporting him all the way. You’re smart. You’re restoring classic cars, for God’s sake. You cook like the best, and you love both Cas and me. What more could we possibly ask for?” The slow hands turn slightly more forceful when Dean remains silent, but it lasts only for a few seconds before Jimmy sighs and kisses the back of Dean’s head. “We know you have some issues, but we still love you. Cas and I know we can’t help you with them on our own, but we want to try.”

Dean’s breath is still unsteady, and now he’s on the verge of tears. He can’t talk - it feels like his throat is scratched up on the inside - but he wants to show his love for the twins, too. He loves them. He doesn’t know what to do without them, doesn’t know if he can deal with being on his own again, without the support the twins offer. Still, in the back of his mind, he knows that he’s not worth all of this.

“Dean, please, love,” Jimmy’s back to desperate again and Dean just feels  _ bad  _ again. “Please talk to me.”

Dean shakes his head again, but he does relax back into the bed, encouraging Jimmy to keep touching him. Jimmy’s hands keep working him over gently and lovingly, and Dean manages to lose himself in the motions.

He’s on the verge of falling asleep again when Castiel returns to the bedroom. Dean lifts his head slightly and sees that Cas is carrying a tray with three glasses of orange juice and three plates with eggs, bacon, and toast on it. Although the smell is mouthwatering, Dean doesn’t feel any motivation to eat. He loves Castiel’s cooking (although his own is better) but he… just doesn’t want to. He’s not hungry.

“Are you okay trying to sit up?” Castiel asks. He’s put the tray on the nightstand and has crawled on the bed, sitting down next to where Dean’s head’s still hidden in the pillow. His hands join Jimmy’s on Dean’s side and back, helping his twin soothe their boyfriend.

Dean shakes his head, not feeling up to sitting on his ass just yet (and not feeling up to talking, either). Castiel hums and doesn’t do anything but offer Dean his orange juice with a straw in it. Dean drinks gratefully, unaware of how thirsty he was until Cas gave him something to drink.

When Dean’s glass is finished, Castiel manages to conjure a fork from somewhere and he scoops up some of the eggs and bacon, trying to feed Dean. Dean, however, turns his head away. He still doesn’t feel up to food. He just wants to stay with the twins for now, cuddle close to them. Maybe that’ll help.


	6. Chapter six

##  Chapter 6

Turns out, it didn’t help. Jimmy and Cas stay with him the entire morning, but they grow tired of it, and Dean notices. Finally, he allows them to help him get up and into the shower. It’s soothing to be under the warm spray, but his legs don’t seem to want to keep him upright for too long, and the twins have to work in tandem to get him clean.

Instead of going back to bed, which is what Dean would have preferred, the twins help him over to the couch and put him on his side, cuddling with him again. They watch shitty TV and Castiel and Jimmy get up occasionally to get Dean some more drinks. They have dinner, which is a quiet affair in front of the TV, and Dean doesn’t eat anything except for a few spoons of soup Jimmy feeds him.

Dean feels lethargic most of the day, and every time he tries to speak to Cas or Jimmy (and they look oh-so-hopeful when he does lift his head) he clams up again, and he’s unsure whether or not he’s actually lost his voice. He does remember his mom telling him that he was mute for a long time after his grandparents died in a car accident, but he doesn’t know if this is the same. Maybe he’s just being a nuisance to the twins again. They shouldn’t have to take care of this shit, of  _ him _ .

The twins barely leave his side, but at one point they leave the room. As much as Dean wants to get up to join them, his limbs aren’t working with him the way they should. Instead, he hears the twins mutter about something, and then Jimmy calling someone on his phone. Still, he’s got no clue what’s going on, and all his brain can come up with is that something is wrong, and that he’ll have to leave the twins, or maybe that the twins are arranging with Bobby to have him taken away. He doesn’t want to leave the twins, doesn’t want the twins to leave  _ him _ , but he’s not sure if they can handle him all that much longer.

“Dean?” Jimmy says when he’s back in the living room. Dean flinches at Jimmy’s soft voice. He doesn’t know if it’s because he didn’t expect Jimmy to speak up, or if it’s that he’s expecting something bad. “We just called Bobby, because he knows you better than anyone else.” Dean must make some kind of noise, as Jimmy sits down next to him in a hurry with a stricken look on his face. “It’s nothing bad, Dean. We wanted to know if you’ve been mute before after something bad happened.”

Dean nods. He knows it’s happened before, but he’s never taken the time to think about how and why. The fact that Jimmy says ‘after something bad happened’ seems to suggest that he has a little more experience with this than Dean realizes. Castiel comes into the room, too. He sits down next to Jimmy and starts carding his fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Bobby told us about your grandparents, and how much it scared your mom,” Castiel says kindly. “And then when your mom died, too. Your dad’s death apparently didn’t warrant a reaction like that.”

Dean shakes his head, a small smile playing around his lips. No, his dad wasn’t worth anything, while the death of his mom was way more impactful. She’d died when he was ten, in a car accident his father caused. That was the moment John Winchester didn’t deserve anything anymore, least of all Dean’s emotional investment, and Dean hasn’t talked to his father ever since Bobby stepped in. He managed to break more than Dean could deal with, so when Sam and Dean started living with Bobby, Dean finally felt like he could start to heal again. It’s weird how he’s never actually realized that every time he went mute, something bad happened.

“So,” Jimmy says, shuffling slightly in his place. “We both think that a therapist might be a good idea. Like we said when we discussed this scene, Cas and I aren’t the best to deal with your issues, and while we want to learn, we’re not certified therapists who you can talk to without any kind of prejudice.”

“We don’t know what you think about therapy, and we definitely don’t want to pressure you into going, but we do think it might be for the best.” Castiel tries not to sound too much like it’s a command, but to Dean, it does feel like one.

And okay, he knows he needs to go see a therapist at some point. Dean  _ knows  _ that he’s not okay. He knows that he needs to talk to someone about how quickly he drops after scenes because he’s afraid that sex is all the twins want him for. However, he’s afraid that he won’t find someone he clicks with, someone who won’t judge him for being with twins  _ and  _ liking to be spanked and choked. Therapists are supposed to be impartial to stuff like that, but Dean can’t help but feel scared.

“I went to a therapist for about a year,” Jimmy says, looking sideways to Castiel as if scared for his twin’s reaction. “I was… messed up. There were several things that she helped me through, and I’m sorry I never told you or Cas about it. It’s been a few years, but I still keep in contact with her.” Castiel looks on the verge of speaking, but Jimmy continues as if he hasn’t seen it. “I already spoke to her several times about maybe needing more therapy because of my issues, but since it’s not really necessary anymore… I’m rather certain that you’ll like her, too, Dean.”

Dean licks his lips and nods. He’s still unsure whether he can trust this therapist, but if she’s helped  _ Jimmy _ , he’s even more willing to try it, at least.

“I’ll put her phone number in your phone,” Jimmy says softly. “She’s open to texting instead of talking, and she will probably want to check in on you every now and then, even if you’re not in her care. Plus, she’s a lesbian in the BDSM circuit, so she knows what you’re going through.”

Dean manages to smile at that, but the stormy look on Castiel’s face puts a quick stop to that. He bites his lip and tries to make himself as small as possible. While he doesn’t necessarily think that Castiel has it out for him, he can’t help but flinch back and into the safety of Jimmy’s touch.

“We’ll talk about your therapy later,” Castiel says, and when he looks down at Dean and sees how Dean’s shaking, Castiel seems scared. “Shit, Dean.”

Jimmy looks as well, and he shields Dean from Castiel. “Please leave for a minute, Cas. I’ll… I’ll talk to Dean, okay?”

It’s a relief when Castiel leaves the room, but at the same time Dean feels bad for forcing Cas away - again. It’s like Castiel is getting the brunt of Dean’s anxiety lately, and it must be hurtful to Cas, as well. Dean feels the corners of his eyes prickle again, and he can’t help but hide in Jimmy’s lap.

“Dean, can you look at me please?” Jimmy asks, voice soft and soothing. “I know you feel bad about Cas having to leave the room, but I think there’s something else going on. You’re having a hard time talking, right?”

Dean turns onto his side again and looks up at Jimmy. He has to think about the question for a few seconds, on the verge of trying out his voice again, but then he nods. He  _ is  _ having a hard time talking.

“Okay. So you just answer my questions by nodding or shaking your head. Did you drop last night?”

Dean nods. One of the rules in their relationship is ‘no lies’, so he doesn’t even try.

“You didn’t tell us?”

Dean nods again. He wants to explain his answer, and Jimmy seems to get that.

“Just a second, Dean. I’ll get you some paper and a pen. Don’t strain yourself too much, I know how it feels.”

Jimmy gets up and Dean immediately misses the heat of Jimmy’s body by his side. He hasn’t been alone in the past few hours, and now that he finally is, his thoughts jump on him once again.  _ You’re not even worth it _ , his mind supplies.  _ You think he’s getting paper, but actually he’s getting Cas so they can leave quietly. Jimmy must have had therapy to get over the fact that I intruded in their relationship. I’m never going to be good enough for the two of them _ .

Jimmy does return with a notebook and a pen, and Dean’s mind quietens again, although there are still bad thoughts running through every few seconds. It’s like his dad is yelling at him again.

“Dean, can you elaborate on why you didn’t tell us?” Jimmy passes him the notebook and sits down next to him again, allowing Dean to use his thighs as a flat surface. Dean thinks for a few seconds on how to word it, and then he starts to write. Jimmy reads over his shoulder, and Dean doesn’t try to shield his words. Jimmy will read it eventually, and writing might even be the best way to convey it all.

“You think we don’t care about you enough to provide you with aftercare?” Jimmy reads out, and the shock in his face is clear. “Dean? Shit. You… you don’t think you’re worth the aftercare? Oh, my love…”

Jimmy sounds on the verge of tears when Dean is done writing, and Dean squeezes his thigh. Yes, he wrote down that he didn’t think the twins cared enough. He wrote down the thoughts he had this morning and how he still feels that the twins are better off without him, without having to take care of him at every turn. The fact that Jimmy’s apparently hurt by that and still calls Dean  _ his love  _ hurts  _ Dean _ , and a sob finally wrenches free from his throat.

“You  _ are  _ worthy, Dean,” Jimmy says, holding Dean close. “Even if you don’t believe it now, please try to keep it in the back of your mind as you work through everything. Being depressed doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve nice things. Cas and I will always be here for you.”

Dean wants to ask why Jimmy knows, if it relates to him being in therapy at some point, but decides it’s not worth writing down. He has to believe the twins if they say they’ll be there for him, and he’ll have to convince his brain that it’s the truth. It will definitely take some time.

“Shall I put Charlie’s number in your phone, Dean?” Jimmy asks when they’ve both calmed down a little, and Dean nods and hands Jimmy his phone. He might need her phone number sooner rather than later, and it’d be for the best if he already has it. Maybe he’ll send her a text message later, just to establish contact, maybe see if they click via text before he works up the courage to actually talk to her in person.


	7. Chapter seven

##  Chapter 7

 

Everything has been relatively quiet for a few days, and Dean feels good about the peace. However, it doesn’t take long for that peace to shatter again.

It starts with a fight, and Dean knows that it’s going to be explosive for one of the twins and emotional for him. It starts off innocent but quickly turns ugly - and Dean can’t even blame one of the twins for it. They are discussing living arrangements since there’s a temporary ban on scenes, and Castiel and Jimmy agree with Charlie that them living together might compromise that - or at least make everything harder. Also, Cas and Jimmy are slightly scared of pushing Dean further down in his depression. In being that scared, they eventually  _ do  _ push him further.

Dean’s been on the verge of crying for the entire day. He feels like a woman on her period and while normally he’d be joking about that, now he just feels down and raw and emotional.

“Do you need to go stay with Bobby for a while instead of with us?” Castiel sounds wary of even suggesting it and he’s immediately proven right.

“No!” Dean whimpers. “No, please, don’t leave me…” Tears are now streaming over his face, and it’s the most embarrassed he’s ever been, but he simply can’t handle the twins shipping him off to Bobby and then leaving town as quickly as they can. He’s had nightmares about the twins leaving him, and this is one of the ways they tried to get rid of him. He clutches Castiel’s shirt and doesn’t let go of it, burying his teary face in Castiel’s shoulder. Jimmy’s arms fold around him carefully, but Dean lets him. He tries to ignore the tears.

“I really do think that a therapist is the best option,” Jimmy says softly, as if not to startle Dean too much.

“I already agreed, didn’t I?” Dean snaps. He immediately regrets it when he sees the hurt look on Jimmy’s face. “Sorry, I’m just…” Dean sniffles again, biting his lip hard to avoid actually crying again.

“You’re hurt,” Castiel whispers. “I’m so sorry, Dean. We didn’t mean anything by it, and I don’t  _ want  _ you to leave. We just thought… you might need to stay somewhere where you aren’t reminded of how badly we’ve failed you every day.”

“You… you shouldn’t feel bad about this,” Dean mutters. “ _ I’m  _ the one who keeps…” The panic is clear in his eyes and Castiel shushes him immediately.

“It’s our fault. Please accept that.”

“Or try to keep it in mind,” Jimmy adds. “I know it doesn’t quite work like that, just accepting something, but you can try to keep it in mind and it might help.”

“I already booked an appointment with Charlie,” Dean says, softly. “And I don’t want to go live with Bobby. I don’t want to be away from you.” Dean swallows. Charlie’s told him via text that he should try to be honest about his opinions, especially to his loved ones, so he’s trying. He takes a deep breath before speaking again. “It feels like you want to send me away.”

“That’s definitely not what we want,” Jimmy whispers. He’s pulling Dean down to sit on the couch, kneeling down in front of his boyfriend and taking Dean’s hands in his own. “Look at me, Dean.” Dean lifts his eyes to Jimmy’s deep blue ones and he feels the cushions sag to his left when Castiel sits down next to him. “We don’t want you to leave. Never. If I got my way, I’d never even leave your side again.”

“There’s no doubt about that,” Castiel says. He leans his head against Dean’s shoulder and pulls his knees up to his chest. “I hate leaving home. I wish I could just stay here.”

Dean smiles slightly and pulls at Jimmy’s hands to pull him up on the couch as well. Jimmy mirrors Castiel’s position and the three of them sit in peace, again. Every time they fight, it’s explosive and hurtful, but ever since Dean’s started texting with Charlie, it’s… slightly improved. Dean doesn’t react as badly as he used to, talking about what’s on his mind instead of shutting down completely. Progress already, and Dean hasn’t even actually gone to see Charlie. Dean can’t wait to actually talk to her.


	8. Chapter eight

## Chapter 8

Cas and Jimmy want to support him, which Dean understands, but it feels weird to be dropped off at Charlie’s office as if he’s being dropped off by his parents. Still, the twins wish him the best of luck, and then Dean’s alone. The building is intimidating - it’s one of those huge, expensive-looking office buildings, and Dean’s afraid to even go through the revolving doors, all made of glass with expensive brass handle bars.

When he eventually makes it to the eighth floor, where Charlie’s office is, he’s seriously doubting this entire appointment. The elevator was fully made of glass, and Dean’s on the verge of hyperventilating because he could see the height through the floor of the elevator and his brain’s not happy about that. Charlie might be happy with her grand office space, but Dean’s not so sure about this anymore. If he has to take the elevator to this appointment every time, it probably won’t work out that well.

Luckily, the redhead is already waiting for him outside of the elevator. She takes one look at him and pushes him in the first open chair she sees, rushing off and coming back with a glass of water. She crouches in front of him and hands him the glass of water.

“Hi, Dean,” she says softly. “Please drink this, then we’ll move into my office. You can sit on the couch and simply look at me, you don’t have to look out of the window at all.”

Dean nods gratefully at her and downs the glass of water. He takes a few shaky breaths and then a deeper, more steady one. “This is not my best first impression ever,” he says. Charlie just laughs heartily.

“I think I should have paid a little more attention when you told me about your fears.”

“I didn’t include fear of heights.”

“Still,” Charlie says stubbornly. “You shouldn’t be the one to blame here.”

There’s an awkward pause. “Anyway,” Charlie says finally, “we should get moving to my office, and we’ll talk over some coffee or tea or whatever you want.”

“Okay,” Dean says, and he gets up from the couch. He pointedly doesn’t look at the elevator and follows Charlie over to her office. He hasn’t been here before, but they did meet up in a café a while back to make sure that they were compatible. They were – they spent two hours discussing Marvel versus DC and didn’t even get to any conclusion before the café closed down – and Dean had made an appointment with Charlie not long after to start talking through his issues, so here he is.

Charlie’s office is sparsely decorated but still colourful, and Dean immediately feels at home.

“Take a seat,” Charlie says, waving her hand in the general direction of the couch, and Dean sits down. “What do you want to drink?”

“Nothing,” Dean says. He’s not much of a fan of tea, although the twins occasionally force him to drink it. Coffee isn’t a great idea either, since he’s already keyed up, and he’s already had a glass of water just a few minutes ago – he can do without for a while.

“Sure,” Charlie says cheerily. She gets up anyway and makes herself a cup of tea, and even though Dean said he didn’t want anything, she gives him a glass of water anyway. Dean smiles at her gratefully and sinks further into the couch.  
“I don’t know how any of this works,” Dean admits in the quiet that follows. Charlie is just observing him with a smile on her face.

“It works however you want it to. Do you want to talk to me about what happened in the past? Do you want to tell me about your boyfriends? I don’t mind, as long as we actually talk about something that has to do with you rather than with Marvel or DC. Or whatever else you usually talk about when you’re forced to talk about yourself.” Charlie looks at Dean, considering him again. “Or you could tell me about your brother.”

“I can tell you about Sam,” Dean says, grateful for the opportunity to gush about one of his favorite subjects. He’d already told Charlie about his brother, but only in passing. “He’s doing great, still at Stanford. He’s actually well on his way to being a lawyer, although I still don’t get why he wants to do that, or what he wants to specialize in. We kind of lost touch after he met Jess, since I’m living with the twins and he doesn’t… quite accept us. He doesn’t mind me being bisexual, but apparently it is _not done_ to be polyamorous. We tried to hide it – it was my idea, and Cas and Jimmy went along with it when I asked – but of course Sam barged into the bedroom at the… worst possible moment.” Dean blushes at the memory. He was literally tied up and the twins were taking turns fucking into him, and well… Sam didn’t listen when Dean told him to knock.

“Do you want to tell me about that?” Charlie asks. She sounds curious, but Dean doesn’t quite know if he wants to disclose all those details to Charlie, even though she is his therapist. He thinks that might be a little too much. Charlie picks up on his hesitation. “You don’t have to give me all the juicy details, I definitely don’t need to know about the ins and outs of your bedroom behavior with the twins – except if you want to share it, of course, or if it’s relevant to any of the issues you want to talk about. If you just want to talk to me about Sam’s reaction to it, you can do that.”

Dean takes a deep breath and decides, in that moment, that the fact that he’s a submissive is not something he wants to share with Charlie, but he does want to talk about how Sam found him. “He walked in on Cas and Jimmy fucking me. I was tied up – hands to the bedposts and ankles spread. I don’t know what scandalized him more: the fact that I was with the twins or the fact that I wasn’t fucking them instead.”

“So he wasn’t positive about your relationship?”

“No.” Dean sighs. He’s still upset about this. “I know that he’s still with Jess, but he doesn’t want any contact with me. Maybe it’s because of the twins. I don’t know. He never told me, just left quietly and then disconnected his phone number and never called me again.”

“That must hurt,” Charlie says. “The way you talk about him tells me that you care about him a lot.”

“I… do,” Dean says hesitantly. “Although sometimes it just makes me so angry. I want him to apologize…He hurt me. But sometimes I just want to talk to him again.”

“I’d ask how you feel about that, but I think you’re conflicted about how you feel,” Charlie says thoughtfully. “So, any other family you can gush about?”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t have any family left now, besides Cas and Jimmy. Mom died when I was ten. Dad died a few years later, but at that point we’d been living with Bobby for a while. Bobby’s still around.”

“But you don’t think he’s family?”

“He’s… okay, he is family.” Dean smiles slightly. “I don’t know why I didn’t include him. He’s like an annoying uncle. My second dad. But he’s also my boss, so… it’s slightly different.”

Charlie hums. “I get the feeling that you don’t want to talk about your dad, right?”

Dean nods curtly. “He was an asshole, especially after my mom died.” He shrugs. “I don’t… I didn’t like him. I’m glad he’s dead.”

“So… do you want to talk about your mom? What was she like?”

“She was beautiful and kind, and she was an amazing cook. She used to make us pancakes almost every morning, and every Sunday she’d do this amazing brunch… I barely remember anything at this point, but… I still miss her.” Dean swallows heavily, feeling like there’s something in his throat, something choking him up. He hasn’t talked about his mom in quite some time. “I wish dad didn’t drive that day. He knew damn well that he was drunk. He knew he shouldn’t be behind the wheel, but he was possessive as hell of the Impala, and although mom was an amazing driver, he didn’t let her drive that evening. It’s his fault she died.”

“Because he caused the accident?” Charlie asks, pushing a box of tissues over the table to Dean. Dean knows that she’ll get up and try to soothe him if he’d ask her to, but he doesn’t want her that close right now.

“He did cause the accident, yes. Drove through a red light, hit a semi. Or the semi hit the side of the car, I don’t know. It was his fault, anyway, and Mom died on impact. Dad had just a few scrapes and bruises, but it wasn’t nice, afterwards. He drank a lot, didn’t give Sam and me any pocket money anymore… I had to beg Dad to give me money to get food. That was when Bobby stepped in.  Dad had been working for him but he hadn’t shown up in a while, so Bobby came to check in on us and found me caring for Sam, who was sick. We couldn’t afford to buy any cold medicine since we could barely go grocery shopping as it was. Dad kept wasting all the money on alcohol. The confrontation wasn’t nice, to say the least. Both Dad and Bobby yelled, and in the end Bobby just took us with him. Dad didn’t even try to keep us with him, instead.”

“Fuck, Dean,” Charlie says. “That must have had a huge impact on your life. Your dad wasn’t alive when you met the twins, was he?”

“No,” Dean says. He takes a tissue and dabs at his eyes. Did he cry? Dean looks at the tissue and sees some wet spots. He must have. He didn’t even notice. “No, he’d been dead for a few years. I actually met the twins at the graveyard. Which seems very dark, but we were both visiting our parents, and well, they were in the same row.”

“You hit it off right away?” Charlie asks. She gets up and sits down next to him on the couch, keeping a good amount of space in between them.

Dean chuckles. “No, we didn’t, actually. I was watering the plants over mom and dad’s grave, and they wanted the watering can. Cas actually got… impatient.” Dean looks sheepish for a moment, and Charlie just observes him again, listening closely to his story. “I was already done watering, was just clutching the can to my body. I wasn’t using it, so I get it.”

“You… fought in a graveyard?”

“We didn’t fight. We just… argued.”

“Over a watering can?” Charlie sounds incredulous, and Dean laughs softly.

“Yes, over a watering can. Jimmy was pretty quiet, but Cas… Cas got loud. In the end, I just handed it over, but… I didn’t do it on purpose. I tend to get lost in my own world when I’m left alone for too long.”

“Do you think that’s part of what you’re struggling with?” Charlie asks. She grabs his hand and squeezes it softly. “Getting lost in your own world, or dissociating?”

“Dissociating?”

“When you feel like you’re spacing out, as if your mind isn’t connected to your body anymore.”

Dean shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe.”

Charlie hums. “Can you tell me about how you started dating the twins?”

Dean shifts on the couch a little, but he remembers what Jimmy told him about Charlie’s preference, and that means that he can open up about his own sex life a little more. She’ll accept him as such, especially since she already knows he’s with both of the twins. “I didn’t meet them again for a while, but then I went to a local BDSM meet-up, something I hadn’t done in quite some time, and that’s where I spotted them again. Afterwards, I saw them almost daily - coffee shops, the library, the grocery store... It was getting ridiculous, and I even thought I was going crazy at some point. I couldn’t see them _everywhere_ , could I? But no, when I finally saw just one of them, I thought I could get past my awkwardness and actually ask the both of them out, if they were interested. If they weren’t, I’d try for just one. This sounds bad, I know. I just… I don’t think I was quite… okay then, either.”

“But they said yes?”

“Yes. I think I asked Cas out, and he said yes on the one condition that he could bring his brother. I told him that I didn’t mind, that I would _like_ that, and we just… hit it off. It was an instant click, even though it wasn’t quite so instant. Us meeting at the graveyard has actually become something of an inside joke at this point.”

“It sounds like you made it up,” Charlie snickers. “Wow, I never thought I’d hear a story like this.”

“Well, it’s ours,” Dean says. He bites his lips, afraid to have overstepped here. Like he’s told Charlie something she doesn’t need to know. Maybe she doesn’t believe him.

“I’m glad you told me,” Charlie says. She’s still holding on to Dean’s hand, but Dean doesn’t mind anymore. He likes being able to touch her. Charlie’s presence seems to calm him down, which is exactly what he needs right now. He keeps overthinking everything.

“I’m glad I told you,” Dean finally says. It’s quiet between the two of them, and Charlie simply lets it hang in the air for as long as Dean wants to. Dean takes a small sip of water and relaxes into the shape of the couch.

“Is there anything else you want to talk to me about today, or shall we keep it at this?” Charlie says after a few minutes of contemplative silence. She seems to sense that Dean doesn’t quite know what to talk about now. “This was a natural stopping point, after all.”

“I think that’s it,” Dean says. He doesn’t think about it, just says what his mind comes up with first. He thinks that’s how therapy is supposed to work - no thinking, just talking.

“Okay,” Charlie says. She lets go of Dean’s hand and grabs one of the pieces of paper and a colorful pen from the coffee table in front of the couch. “There’s a few things I want to talk to you about. One of them is the elevator, which you obviously dislike. Would you rather meet up somewhere else?”

“No,” Dean says immediately, rather vehemently. “No. This is neutral ground, as it were. It’s not in public but it’s also not somewhere I’ve been before with my dad or Bobby or Cas and Jimmy. I think your office is perfect.”

“I don’t think it’s perfect,” Charlie says. “My office, that is. I wish I could do something more with it. Putting color on the walls was already a big fight, and I don’t think anyone would ever forgive me if I put a frame up against those walls. That’d mean drilling a hole in these virginal walls, and management doesn’t like it.”

Dean laughs at that. “Posters would be an improvement, yes. But still, I do think that your office is the best place for me to meet up.”

“In that case, I’d like to introduce you to the employees’ elevator. We have a boring one that’s not all glass. Or you could take the stairs, which are next to the elevator. I’ll show you where this is once we’ve made a new appointment.” Charlie is still bubbly but now she’s also serious. “Which brings me to my second point. We didn’t really talk about any of your issues today, although I did notice that there were a few moments when you were thinking about it. I want you to know that you can trust me with any information. I might have treated Jimmy in the past, but there’s still that thing called patient confidentiality, and I intend to keep that. That means that if Jimmy comes back to me, I won’t talk to you about what we discuss in your sessions, or in his sessions. Unless you want to come in together - but that changes the session entirely, and even then you’d be the ones sharing whatever you’re comfortable with. Would you want to have joint sessions at some point? With Cas, or Jimmy, or both, perhaps?”

“I think I would,” Dean says, “but not right away. I want to talk to you first, maybe get started on finding out what the problem seems to be, or what I need to be more aware of. Then, once we know that, I think Cas and Jimmy would like to be involved. They keep telling me that they want to learn how to help me, how to better take care of me. I know they are telling the truth, but I don’t think I could deal with them being here right now.” Dean feels as if this is the most honest he’s been in this entire session, and he’s strangely proud of that.

“Okay, okay,” Charlie nods. “I definitely get that. I’ll keep it in mind, and once you feel you’re ready, tell me. We’ll talk it through and see what we can do, okay?”

Dean nods, slight smile on his face. He’s feeling comforted and he knows that Charlie will respect his decisions anyhow, so it’s great to have already put this on the table.

“Okay, third point. Do you already want to put in an appointment for the next session, or do you want to keep texting and maybe meet up in a café again before making an appointment?”

“The second option sounds like the better. I don’t think I’m quite up to regular appointments just yet, I think. Too much of a mental block because of my dad. But texting definitely helps.”

“Thanks for being honest with me, Dean,” Charlie says. “I really appreciate that. I’ll let you know that I don’t text most of my clients, but well, I think that if we meet up again outside of the office, you shouldn’t bring Cas and Jimmy. I’d like to talk to the two of them together, and I have a feeling that we’d be great friends, but we should wait until you feel like you’re finished with the sessions before I meet them.”

“I think we can definitely do that,” Dean says. “Cas is curious about you, but he’ll have to wait and see. Although I think that Jimmy would like meeting you again, especially if it’s not in this office setting.”

“Agreed,” Charlie says. “So we’ll just text, and I’ll let you out through the solid elevator and stairs.”

Dean gets up, and Charlie follows. They walk together in silence until Dean’s outside again. He told the twins that he’d text them if he wanted them to pick him up, but he thinks that some fresh air might do him good. He needs to think.

Dean knows that Charlie is a great therapist for him. She seems to like him and knows when she shouldn’t push too far. He’s not as emotionally drained as he thought he’d be after this session, which is a plus, and while he doesn’t feel like anything has been resolved yet, he definitely knows that Charlie and the twins can help him onto the right path.


End file.
